Your Face Is Not the Problem

I am surprised by the number of people who believe that their face is the problem when it comes to dating and relationships. I say “face” but visual image maybe a better string of words. So I hear people say, “I need better photos,” “I need to drop 10 pounds,” “I need to buy a big truck,” or “I need to lift weights and get buff…” and then, I will find a worthy date.

What’s keeping me from a relationship?

I am here to tell you, it’s not your face! It’s your mindset and actions that are keeping you from turning dates into a relationship. I know, I know—no one wants to admit that it’s something you are doing. However, your mindset is in your control. You can do this! Attraction is about creating perceived value and is not purely physical, much of it is emotional.

Take for example, a discovery call I had with a young man in his early 30s. He was having a difficult time dating. He told me that as a matter of fact, he never had a long-term girlfriend. He could attract women, but would get blown off quickly and he was frustrated. 

He believed it was his appearance. He mentioned, his face, body, and car. He was sure it that it was his under-toned body that was holding him back. In reality, his image did not present as confident, assured, or like a person with pride.

That’s right, it wasn’t that he wasn’t attractive enough. In fact, he was handsome enough; it is that his face did not say, “I am high value and I am proud of who I am.” His face said, I am paycheck to paycheck, have zero plan for the future, and it’s not my fault I live in my mom’s basement. His micro-expressions sold him out.

What people really want

He was missing 2 out of 3 traits on the stability checklist. The stability checklist has 3 components and details someone who is physically, emotionally, and financially stable. In the first 5 minutes of the discovery call, he presented as someone who was emotionally and financially unstable.

What he perceives is that women want someone who is buff. Well, that’s not exactly accurate. I will agree that people who are in the acceptable weight range are able to turn a head. However, it’s a deeper visual that makes the attraction magnetic.

Physically fit people know if they can hike 6 miles or lift a big box or bend into a tight space. All that equals physical stability or confidence. It does not matter to most people that you look like a body builder or model. It matters that you present pride and confidence in your body’s ability and presence.

Now, take this physical concept and apply to emotional and financial stability as well and you start to see a picture developing. Someone who has an overall balanced life has an energy that radiates pride and confidence. This is attractive and we see it on your face.

People perceive value in certain things based on their life experiences. So, what you are proud of may not mean anything to someone else. Those are not your people, don’t try to make them your people and move beyond them. Patience will provide you with people who you have things in common with.  It takes time to connect deeply.

Mindset and confidence are paramount in attraction. Not only do you need to have a projection of success (pride) but you also need to present it without being an a**hole. Too much pride is unattractive and people see you as self-absorbed and uncaring. So, don’t take pride too far or they might call you the “N” word- narcissist. In all honesty, be intentional about building a life that you can be proud of. You should be proud of not being an A**hole. People will see it on your face.

Perhaps dating techniques is problematic for you? Flirting, social ques and such give us the competence and the confidence to date well. Dating techniques are rooted in emotional stability. Once your roots are firmly in the ground it’s just style development.

Improve your physical, emotional and financial self. Most people could improve something that would make them more confident over all.   

  • There is room to eat better and exercise more or more diversely.
  • Grow your social circles.
  • Take a financial class.
  • Actually have a budget

My best advice is to work on yourself overall. Competence delivers confidence. If you think your dating success is all about your actual face you are off track.