The Real Reason You Can’t Find a Date

Why can’t I find a date?

I get this question often. And I hear a lot of answers. Generally, a version of – I’m something special, and they can’t compete or feel inadequate is the result. Even if your friends and family support you with this line of thinking, it’s not true. (Friends and Family, please stop enabling.)

  • I’m too successful, and they say I am intimidating.

  • I’m too smart, and I am intimidating.

  • I’m too attractive, and love interests don’t think I will say yes.

  • Nice guys finish last.

Statements like these make me sad every time I hear them. It has the high-school mentality of ripping someone down to feel better about yourself. Besides, it’s ridiculous logic. Consider, “I’m too smart.” There are plenty of intelligent married people or even intelligent people in a relationship. This statement also sets up a mindset that your love interests are, well, dumb. So, you end up with a dumb partner because you expect it. Instead, intelligence tends to be attractive to other intelligent people. The same is valid for success and attractiveness. So, please be intelligent by not saying such things.

Here are the real reasons love will escape you.

  • Your lack of confidence is hanging out all over the place. Aggregate confidence is a spectrum. In specific areas in life, we have a lot of confidence and in others less. Dating is a place that requires a hefty dose of confidence. if you have a lot of confidence at work that doesn’t mean you have a lot of confidence in dating. Evident by the tear them down mentality mentioned above, the dating confidence for an individual like this is in the low zone. Additionally, you may also be lacking the confidence to have good boundaries or express your needs. To put it simply, you will not find a great date unless you know who you are and what you genuinely offer a partner.

  • You are not looking. I meet people that would like to find someone, yet they do not want anyone to know they are looking, or they refuse to be seen on a dating app or even act in a flirty way. Behavior like this represents someone being defensive. They may be justly defending their heart. However, the language and impressions left behind will tell suitors to stay away.

  • You do not appear available. FWB and situationships make you appear taken. If this is you, dating is going to be challenging. Your divided time will not allow you to treat new potential dates or behave the same way as if you were entirely single.

  • You are stuck on a fantasy. Fantasy issues are for the person who is constantly comparing new people to an old love interest(s). Fantasy also rides with the “know it when they see it” people, must check all the boxes people, and perhaps for those who judge potential dates too quickly. Fantasy daters are always dissatisfied because they are living in their head. Dating and romance are heart decisions with a human being.

  • You are self-centered. Every self-centered person I have ever met denies it. But if you are self-centered, as in you make very few sacrifices of your interests for others, dating you will be a giant letdown, and people will move on quickly. In no way am I saying that you should always make sacrifices; rather, I am saying balancing decisions is more attractive and exciting than always getting your way. My way or the highway questions or offers are pretty much always a highway answer.

  • You have weird dating rules or boxes to check. I redirected a potential client once because she only wanted to date someone who earned $300,000 annually or more. I think there was sketchy integrity with this person. But let’s say it wasn’t; there are so many limitations here. I’m definitely not saying lower your standards, BUT I am asking why you need this box checked? (is $275,000 not enough) Extreme dating rules like you must spend a lot of money to take me out, or I’m only going on a date with you if are willing to take my kiddo too. Conditions like these are going to make you stand out for all the wrong reasons and severely limit your dating pool.

  • You are not interesting. If your life consists of work, TV, and the grocery, you need to get out more. The same is true if your life is work, the gym, and the grocery. Anything that looks too routine is boring. You are not dull! Add some variety to your life and share it- please!

  • You look too needy. Needy has many faces and is up to interpretation because everyone is a little needy in some way. We are talking about people who need a lot. For example, a person who needs constant communication/attention (must text every day and multiple times a day) = needy; Fishes for compliments constantly (what do you like about my shoes, let’s talk about my issue) = needy; family drama, work drama, health issues = needy. Humans have needs and issues that are a given. However, people looking for partners are not looking for an improvement project in the form of a person.

  • You are aggressive. If you are a right fighter, aka your rights and opinions are better than someone else’s, and you are willing to tell them about it, this makes you look aggressive. Also, in this vein are people who chase others for companionship/dating. Some examples include initiating contact all the time; no or simple redirection is something to ignore, positioning to be where the love interest will be (a.k.a. stalker). It is uncomfortable.

  • Funny escapes you. Appropriate humor is so attractive. Profoundly serious people will find dating difficult. People want to have fun. Funny is attraction 101. Self-deprecating humor may get a laugh, but they will be questioning your confidence level. IF you pick on others for a laugh, you label yourself as a jerk. Connecting with people through humor is chemistry. Having a well-oiled funny bone mends a lot of ills and imperfections. Be funny!

Did you notice what the list does not say? It does not say that you will not date because you are not attractive/thin/buff enough, smart enough, or successful enough.

People will date someone less intelligent/successful/attractive if they are fun to be around. So stop making up reasons and take on a growth mindset. And PLEASE oil your funny bone.

For another article on attraction , read this post.

(Note: I hesitantly post this article. It feels without resolutions. So, if something resonates with you, send me an email or text message, and I will help you directly with a resolution!)