Strong, Independent, AND

Men don’t like strong independent women. Every time I hear this as a reason a woman can’t find a date, I shriek a little inside. (Okay, sometimes it’s audible.) Hear me out, please. I call BS.

Don’t get me wrong. I am all about empowering women. However, I don’t endorse it as an excuse. I believe the statement “Men don’t like strong, independent women” genuinely reduces women, the opposite of what I support. I think it also diminishes men.

I am a dating coach for both men and women. I never once had a male client say, I’m looking for a meek doormat that hangs on my every word and has no life outside of mine. In contrast, when I ask men what they are looking for, they respond with someone professional, independent, educated, able to have an in-depth conversation, kind, respectful, Fun, and so on.

I can go on and on about what it means to be a feminist, be empowered, and how to get there, but that is another article or twenty-two. Let’s stay focused; my point is that strong, independent women (plus a few more traits) are highly desired. Focus on the “plus,” a strong, independent woman, and/plus, plus…. You fill in the blank, equals high value.

In my experience, strong and independent are words in this context that are simply dressing up that you are intimidating, scary, bitchy, and maybe even disrespectful. On the contrary, If you choose to be a strong, independent, and gracious woman, you will not be intimidating.

There are four things to think about if you think you are too strong and independent to date.

  1. If you say, “men don’t like strong independent women,” stop saying it. Stop enabling the thought. Instead, look at how you can continue to grow. Continue to become stronger and independent and thrive in relationships with kindness, seduction, and graciousness. You can be a feminist and be feminine.
  2. Whew! Strong women have been through some stuff. Strong words and actions have been necessary for our pasts. However, we can continue to do better and learn to use strong words and actions to get results without leaving the other person stripped of dignity. Caring for another person doesn’t harm them. Harm is not something that should make us proud. Yet, I hear “I ripped him a new one” or similar as if this was a defining moment of strength.
  3. Are you truly ready for a life partner? Making the men don’t like strong, independent women statement actually says, “Look at me, I don’t need you.” Why would a man want to be your partner? -you don’t need him. Partner is a keyword here. If you want to have a partner, you need to be a partner. Yielding some of your independence will be necessary to make that happen. If you cannot relinquish some of your independence or freedom, you are not ready for a committed relationship.
  4. I want to address that there may be some men who truly are not looking for strong, independent women. Or, more likely, some men are intimidated by the level of strength and independence you represent. Those men are not for you. They are for someone else. Stop trying to make all men be attracted to you. Dating you is a custom job. You need just one person to be your partner. (Well, one person at a time- usually.) If they find you intimidating, great. NEXT!

So if you see yourself in this strong, independent but can’t find a date mindset, change it. You are still growing. You are already more than strong and independent. So what else are you?

For additional advice, try the following article.  The real reason you can’t find a date.

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko from Pexels