Back in the day, there was a lot of room for patience in dating. I feel like because texting was non-existent, we HAD to be patient. Texting has immediate satisfaction without a lot of investment. You can text from literally anywhere with a signal. How many times has your crush texted from the toilet, and you never knew? Clearly, texting has low investment and a high impact on dating.
So, what takes so long for your crush to text you? “Why won’t he/she text me?” you ask. He/she will text when he wants to is my answer. Probably not the answer you were looking for, but nonetheless, it is true.
OK, sure, he may have a situation where it truly is not a possibility. Possibly the phone broke, maybe it is lost or perhaps he has a fever. Those are outlying exceptions. Realistically, he is out doing things that he wants to.
I once met a nuclear engineer that was able to text me regularly while traveling and working in secure facilities in another country. There were times in the day when he was unavailable. When he was available, we video chatted at strange times, but it was a fun conversation, and the scenery was beautiful. He texted me when he wanted to. Shortly after he returned from his trip, he slowed the texting responses, and he faded into the abyss. He was a love bomber. Regardless of his manic behavior, since then, I see the realities of texting.
Kari’s 10 Texting Guidelines
- A new crush? Just allow for space to happen. New people are likely to panic with thoughts that you are needy or similar if you try to eliminate space. Allow for mystery and intrigue to form during this time. Mystery and intrigue create a sense of desire. The space is good. At some point, texting becomes more regular as the relationship progresses. If this is not the case, check your expectations.
- Let work be work. Encourage your crush to work and keep distractions to a minimum. Work ethic also benefits you, work when you are at work. Remember, space is necessary. Thinking about texting or why you haven’t received a text is counterproductive. Set some boundaries around texting at work.
- Texting “Hey, what’s up?” is boring, try again.
- Text after an event. Playing a sport, being out with friends, or family time are examples of living in the moment. messaging the outcome of events will give you news to share. (A text announcing an ego crippling defeat on the field or humorous cooking with your sister are all great texting material. Both are way better than “Hey, what’s up.”)
- Make dates and plans over the phone. Using a text for confirmation of details, or altering details, can be polite.
- Get in the habit of echoing your crush’s text length and frequency. There is a chance to over-invest through texting. If you are consistently working the creative side of your texting brain only to get two-word responses, you may be over investing. Alternatively, playing mirroring games is wacky. Waiting two days to text him back because it took him two days to text you back is a game. Stop it.
- Send one substantial text rather than ten short ones. However, after you have been in a relationship or a while, ten short bursts could be comical with someone who already knows over texting is not your style.
- Yep- you can text him first. It is acceptable. However, if you are always reaching out first, your relationship is out of balance and will likely crash. Again are you overly invested?
- Make it clear that you will be unavailable. “Hey, I am going into a restricted military facility for the next 12 hours. Catch up later.” is an actual text I have received. Just give people a heads up.
- If you are not getting what you need, ask for It. “I would like to hear more/less from you. Would you be willing to send me a text to_____________?”
We have established that texting is a low investment activity. So, consider where you stand in your crush’s list of desires. Texting is simply one barometer of the relationship.
Some people are not texters. So, take texting in stride and evaluate if your texting is contributing to your relationship or distracting from it. In my experience, the men who faded or never really engaged in texting were not right for me. I was hung up on the possibility of a relationship and not clear about what was happening. As I gained experience, I moved on to the next person who could keep my interest fairly quickly. I encourage you to consider the word NEXT when you are questioning why you are not getting that text.
Use texting to enhance your relationship.