Everyone lies. A young man made this jaded statement when discussing his love life. It gave me pause. A life philosophy that I hold is that honesty is a foundation for relationships. So, this was a difficult conversation with this young man; as he was adamant that everyone lies. I maintain a firm belief that lying diminishes a part of your authenticity, integrity, and over-all character. Is this a matter of personal perspective?
An array of potential lies exist in relationships. I picked a few for review. Since I am unwilling to disclose his specifics, I will tell you some of mine, and we can soak on the concepts a bit.
I like that too
In attraction, I think people can get a little excited about what interests them or what they are passionate about to engage one another. Stating you share an interest is one way to connect. I love cooking comes to mind. I have said this. In all honesty, I do love cooking in a kitchen with another person, laugh, and prepare a meal together – this is sensual. However, I also find standing in the kitchen alone, chopping onions on a deadline loathsome. Perhaps the devil is in the details.
I do not want to get married
These words have left my lips. It is undeniably true at this moment. I just unmingled my assets. The thought of commingling assets again is frightening, and being scared is disagreeable with me. The previous sentence noted, if some brave and exceptional man, made marriage safe again, I would want to melt my assets right into his and call it home. No matter how amazing the idea of home sounds, this continues to be a true statement until it is not.
When you don’t know, it is easier for me
This one is hard. I cannot come up with a personal example, but I know someone who does this. She finds the lie easy to maintain in comparison with the truth. In her situation, she has friends that she enjoys spending time with, and he disapproves. He berates these friends every time she spends time with them. Can you see where this went bad? This was an early relationship discussion that didn’t happen. She continues to lie because it is easy. Is there someone in your life that makes it difficult for you to be honest with them? Perhaps you simply don’t want to hear opinions because you believe they are wrong. Alternatively, maybe you know they are right. Power struggles and respect are the issues to resolve here. Engaging in non-violent communication methods come to mind as a tool for smaller issues. Mediation could be a tool for larger issues.
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
Breaking up is not easy. Here is a place I think people lie, but it is unnecessary. People spend a lot of time thinking about how to get out of a relationship with the least amount of pain for everyone. So, this classic break up line makes getting out easy. But does it make it untrue? -It certainly could be true.
Not being honest during a breakup keeps people hanging on to the relationship. In my opinion, because they can feel the dishonesty. If it really is you, the other person can feel the honesty. After my car accident, I used this line because I needed to recover. If this is your real-life situation, and it is you- that is honest.
If you are breaking up, take it to a higher level. I feel a better line is- we are not in alignment. You can be specific following that line without being overly cutting. If you are breaking up, pick the single biggest reason to craft your words around. Skip the small stuff. It is still honest.
Honesty, in a relationship, is paramount. I also think being kind is vital. Perhaps honesty and kindness need to coexist.
Let me close with a couple of questions.
- Are you honest with your partner?
- Are you creating an environment that is safe for honesty?
- Is honesty a personal perspective?
- Is honesty scaleable?
- Does everyone lie?