I Don’t Want To Waste My Time – Harmful Dating Mindsets

The Time-Wasting Mindset

I don’t want to waste my time is a phrase I often hear from people with behaviors or mindsets that are not “dating-friendly”.

I often find that people who use this phrase have been hurt and don’t want to get hurt again. So, they create a fence around their heart and call anybody who can’t figure out how to get past it “wasting their time”. Suitors need to be able to hurdle the fence they cannot see. This person might also over-analyze everything a person does and says it is part of their process. They look hard for something to be wrong. And when they find something wrong, they say, “See, I was right, and I just protected my heart again.” As a result, the fence gets taller and more protected.

No one wants to waste time. Not one person wants to get into something with someone only to find out they are not who they said they were. This includes finding out your suitor of the last two months is surprisingly married, smokes, and hates dogs or lives off the grid in a van down by the river. It doesn’t matter what it is; once you find out something you can’t live with, it’s heart-wrenching and feels like a betrayal.

However, it’s never a waste of time getting to know someone or to learn about them and their desires and opportunities. The only thing that wastes time is pursuing a relationship that you know can’t fulfill you, and the only way to know is to open up.

I see people trying to gather information on an individual before they even know their last name. Again, this is a “not wanting to waste time” action. That level of insecurity is a trauma to be dealt with head-on. Insecurities send negative energy, and that kills attraction.

I know some of you are saying this is a recipe for heartbreak. But the solution is to live and trust at the level you can trust until something that needs to be addressed unfolds. Then, address that issue and make a decision. 

Here’s how to keep it attractive and not put your heart in danger.

  1. You trust on the surface level until they give you a reason, and you are ready to go to the next level deeper. So, don’t share your deep dark fears or your most desired fantasies early on. Allow your relationship to unfold over time. I get it, you don’t want to waste time, so you might have a sense of urgency here. Yet, you miss out on the romance when you rush in and then get it wrong.
  2. No tests or manifesting situations. There is no integrity in tests. It is a huge turn-off when they find out, and they always do. So, no asking a woman to try to hook up with your guy to see if he takes her up on it. Guys- no spilling drinks on women to see if they react within your approved perimeters. Spend time together and live with integrity.
  3. Intimacy happens only when you can handle it. If you can’t handle having sex with someone you don’t know, then don’t do it. If you can handle it, remember that you don’t honestly know this person, and don’t be confused or heartbroken if it doesn’t work out. If you’ve been heartbroken in the past, hold back on intimacy until you feel like this person has integrity and is investing in you.
  4. Address issues as they come up, my article on setting boundaries goes into detail on this- but make sure you’re not letting people walk all over you in an attempt to open your heart up.

The goal is to create a mindset where you are dating intentionally rather than casually. Make it clear from the beginning that you are looking for someone special. You won’t waste time with people that don’t meet your standards if you are intentional about who and how you date. 

How to know if you’re wasting your time?

My list of time-wasting behaviors is vast, but here are the common themes:

  • Falling in love with someone unavailable or married
  • Friends with Benefits
  • Trying to create sexual chemistry with someone uninterested or unable
  • Chasing someone who seems to have a minimal interest or allowing someone to pursue you that you have minimal interest in
  • Trying to be someone you’re not

Wasting time takes up space for someone who can love you in a way you never expected. However, you have to kiss some frogs. But the frogs are worth the lesson because they help identify the princes.